My firstborn isn’t my experimental child. He’s my middle management trainee. Wait! Hear me out. Like so many other motherhood epiphanies, I thought of this while chatting with a fellow mom.
I know what I’m talking about after all. Not only am I the firstborn (of two) and have two children, but my first job was as a middle manager for a large grocery store chain.
My corporate bosses were woefully clueless with what happened in the stores, but they also didn’t care. They just wanted us to get stuff done. This describes my parenting style, especially at the end of the school year, during the summer, and during any holiday or hectic time. So, that accounts for approximately 47 weeks of the year. I acknowledge that I’m sometimes unreasonable, but I really want to watch my show on Netflix without hitting pause 14 times.
There are (at least) 7 ways in which I treat my precious firstborn son as the middle management of our family:
- He takes heat from both sides: As an assistant store manager, I listened (and pretended to care about the) complaints from customers, employees, and the corporate bosses. Likewise, my firstborn listens to complaints from his little brother (when he tries to tell him not to break a rule) and from me (when I complain he didn’t make his little brother follow the rule).
- He has to supervise his subordinates: From day 1, I entrusted my firstborn with entertaining his little brother. “Watch the baby while I pee.” “Sing to the baby! He likes it when you sing so I can drive without hearing him scream.” “Put on a show your brother likes so I can keep sleeping!” But now that they are 8 and 4, I also tell firstborn to “Get your brother a snack too!” or “Make sure he brushes his teeth too!” or “Tell your brother to get down here NOW!” When they run ahead while out for a walk, I make him responsible for making sure his brother doesn’t end up on a milk carton.
- I undermine his authority all the time: When I was a middle manager, we had a rule against cashing handwritten checks. I enforced it. Then a customer complained to my boss that I was brusque and rude (because I said no). Guess who got her check cashed? Likewise, I say things like, “Do not EVER talk to me in that tone!” to the boys. So when little brother gets an attitude, firstborn will sometimes scold him. That’s when I swoop in and say “Hey! I’m the boss. Not you. You don’t punish him. I do. Be nice.”
- He gets NO credit and ALL the blame: Once, on a hot summer Sunday, the store I worked in lost power for several hours. Through hard work (and several minor miracles) we saved all of the perishable product and kept the store in business. I never heard any “Good job, guys!” And if the boys give me minimal trouble getting ready for school, I don’t tell the firstborn “Hey, good job!” But when they dilly dally and take 25 minutes to brush their teeth, you’d better believe I am the mom yelling about how he needs to set the example.
- He has to do the job of the subordinates, otherwise, he gets in trouble too: Many times as a manager, I cashiered, bagged groceries, or unloaded trucks. It had to be done, and there weren’t enough bodies. The other night my boys wanted McDonald’s for dinner. But I wanted them to clean up their rooms. So, I said no McDonald’s unless and until they cleaned up both of their rooms. Firstborn heard what I said loud and clear (and actually believed me), so he cleaned his room. He reported that his room was clean and that his brother refused to clean. I made clear that wasn’t the deal. He knew that his brother was an impediment to his reward, so my firstborn directed his brother, but mostly clean the room himself. I didn’t care. It got done.
- He’s stuck with a mixed bag of employees: While my firstborn only has one younger sibling, that younger sibling has many personalities. Sometimes he is loyal, sticking up for his brother when he gets in trouble. Sometimes he throws him under the bus. Sometimes he makes up things to throw him under the bus for. Sometimes he’s compliant. Sometimes he’s stubborn. Like any middle manager knows, you are stuck with certain employees. My firstborn’s younger sibling happens to be the problem employee who you can’t fire because he’s the boss’s kid.
- His career is going NOWHERE: As a firstborn child, I have first-hand experience. If you excel at taking care of stuff, your parents (i.e., corporate bosses) won’t promote you. You’ll take care of stuff for your siblings forever. Your role as middle management is permanent. My firstborn isn’t going to make out any better. The better he exerts influence and gets stuff done with (read: for) his little brother, the more I’ll expect of him. And that’s okay.
I’m sure I’ve missed other ways I treat my firstborn as middle management. If you can think of any, please share below in the comments!
