Middle-of-the-Night Thoughts of a Sleep-Deprived Mother

My daughter (now 16 months) has never been an amazing nighttime sleeper. But, in the last three months, she’s gone from “not amazing” to some sort of advanced level of torture. My husband and I have been up for hours and hours (and hours) with her almost every night. She doesn’t mind sleeping; she just wants to do it in our arms while being rocked. On one particularly horrible night, we even brought her into bed with us (we’d always agreed, prior to this, that bed sharing was not the right move for us, but desperate times . . .). This only made her cry louder. And so, we admitted it – we needed professional help. We worked with a sleep consultant who created a gentle sleep training plan for our daughter (crying it out is also not the right move for us). It sounded great. We stay in the room with her as she falls asleep in her crib (versus in our arms) and we gradually, night by night while following our daughter’s readiness cues, move further and further away from the crib until – voila! – we’re able to just leave the room once she’s in her crib. The entire process usually only takes 7-10 nights, according to our sleep consultant. 

Well, we were off to a good start. But, one bout of the common cold and the painfully slow entrance of two new molars later, here we are. Night #24. In case you’ve ever been curious about the thought processes of a woman who hasn’t slept in months when she’s up yet again in the middle of the night, I’ve included a pretty accurate transcript of my own thoughts below (enjoy, and don’t call the asylum just yet):

Alright. Here we go. Hopefully, this is just a quick little wake-up.

Hey, baby. Shhh, shhh. Mama’s here. Just close your eyes and drift off to sleep, baby girl.

Ok. Alright. I think she’s nodding off. Whew! I’ll be back to bed in ten minu—nope. Nope. Ok, ok. Rub her back. Yes, that will work. Hum her favorite song really, really quietly. Ok, ok, this is working.

Fall asleep. Come on. Fall asleep. FALL ASLEEP!

Shhh, shhh. It’s ok, sweetheart. Just breathe in and breathe out. Go right to sleep.

My arm hurts. Maybe she won’t notice if I just slide it a little to the lef—no, no, no, ok, ok, arm going right back to where it was. 

Ok. Yes! She is definitely asleep. Just going to give it ten minutes to make sure it’s super solid then back to bed I go!

Might as well scroll around on Facebook. How much time has gone by? Only 1 minute. Ok, that’s alright. Maybe I should post an update. “Up all night with baby girl…Again.” No, no one cares. That just sounds so self-absorbed. People out there have real problems.

Alright…..now how much time has gone by? 2 minutes. Hmmmm. Ok. Going to post to Facebook. I bet I have a mom friend out there somewhere who is also awake and she’ll write something commiseratingly witty and we’ll have a little back and forth and isn’t it so nice to know you’re not alone?

Four more minutes to go. I should make my grocery list. Let’s see…eggs, bread, something both kids will eat for dinn—NOOOOOOOO! WHY ARE YOU WAKING BACK UP???

Shhhh, SHHHHHHHH. Ok, baby. Just go right back to sleep. PLEASE go to sleep. Your mother is exhausted. This is enough already.

Maybe if I pat her on the back. Yes, ok. She likes that. Ok, this will work.  We’ve got this. Come on, Liz, just relax and breathe. Really, I should use this time to meditate. Talk about multi-tasking. Ok. Meditating starting now. Breathe in, breathe out. Yes, this is working. 

UGGGGGGHHHHHH. She just keeps squirming. Why won’t she just settle down? What am I doing wrong? I am the worst mother ever. I always knew I wasn’t cut out for this. What was I thinking, becoming a mother?!

Has she stopped squirming? It’s been a while since the last squirm, I think. She’s really quiet. Is she asleep? I can’t tell if her eyes are closed. Are her eyes closed? 

Ok, yup. Eyes closed. Patting her back was exactly what she needed. I am the best mother ever. Seriously, I have so got this. Look how calm I’ve been. And, actually, none of this is getting to me. I’m really not even that tired. Ok, let’s give it another ten minutes to solidify. Then, I’ll be back in bed!

Time to scroll again. Ooooo, interesting headline. Oh man, I already used up all my free New York Times articles for the month. I really should just subscribe. Journalism should be supported. Yup. I’ll take care of that tomorrow.

Ok, 1 more minute. She’s totally gone. Nailed it! And it’s only been 53 minutes total – this wasn’t a bad one at all. Alright, I’m going to slooooooowly get up off the floor. Tiptoeing to the door. This is so great – back to bed for me! And even if she wakes up again, it’ll be her father’s turn! I’m probably looking at at least 3-4 hours of solid sleep for myself. Ahhhhhhhh. Wait, what was that? Did she just—nononononoNONONONO!

Shhhhhh, shhhh, okay. Mama’s here. Just close your eyes, baby girl. You can do this.