Fits and Starts: Learning To Love The Life We Have

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fits starts acceptance Providence Moms BlogA few sentences of a blog post written.

A half folded pile of laundry (likely unfolded by helpful little hands by now).

A dish and two spoons washed.

The floor swept, but then someone cried and the pile was forgotten. Tiny toddler toes have since trampled it though, so you’d never know.

A tantrum quelled.

Baby food made but thrown away after just a few bites were consumed. Why won’t this baby eat???

The art supplies made it out of the closet, but everyone was distracted before any creativity occurred.

Several pages of a book were read before the baby began to cry.

Throw the white flag of surrender and attempt a nap. Maybe if I get a little sleep I’ll find my patience. Then the baby wakes up and sleep is added to the list of today’s failures.

Another tantrum quelled.

A fight broken up.

The baby is put to the breast every time she makes a sound, and still, her weight gain slogs along at a snail’s pace. Fit in another weight check into the schedule. Find a babysitter or drag the circus along. Progress remains slow. 

Manage a trip to the store. Forget half the list.

Another tantrum quelled. 

A life lived in fits and starts. Always beginning. Never finishing. Rarely accomplishing anything visible.

Then a smile.

The baby’s face lights up with indescribable delight at the sight of you.

A conversation overheard: “You my brother, I help you always,” three-year-old syntax rendering the sentiment even more endearing.

A sleepy head rests on your chest, you are his sanctuary.

Quick glances for reassurance, and with your tiny nod and smile, confidence is restored.

Artwork eventually makes it up on walls.

A chubby hand sneaks its way into a shirt, seeking out comfort remembered from his earliest days.

Cooing turns into babbling. Fighting makes room for occasional cooperation.

Tantrums are still quelled. 

But the oldest suddenly knows his letters. He can sound out words. Progress feels fast.

Spiky peach fuzz turns into silky, slippery hair, which just as quickly thickens and darkens. Limbs stretch out and baby rolls melt away. Where is time going? We wonder, predictably.

A life lived in fits and starts. But then again, I suppose the finish line was never actually the goal anyway. 

I’ll take it. 

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Let’s Talk About Sex! (Really? Right Here In The Car, Right Now?!?)

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One thing I can guarantee about parenting is that The Good Timing Fairy is rarely going to grace you with her presence. On the contrary, The Bad Timing Fairy will often swoop in, bringing vomiting children the night before your important professional presentation, an abrupt end to Paw Patrol obsessiveness the week before the Pinterest-perfect themed birthday party you have planned, and questions about things like death and sex and existentialism when you are in the car 5 minutes away from soccer practice.

If you have given any thought to how and when you might have “The Talk” with your child, you may imagine yourself intentionally sitting down with your son or daughter at the appropriate age (which you will somehow be able to magically determine) andhaving a long heart-to-heart chat. You will have all of the answers, and your child will eagerly and gratefully accept the wisdom you have to share. Please, do yourself a favor and free yourself of that idealized after school special fantasy. It probably won’t go down like that, but that’s OK. You won’t ruin them for life if the first foray into conversations about sex doesn’t go exactly as planned.

So how can you prepare now for the inevitable blindsiding that is in your future?

  1. Lay the groundwork by getting comfortable with using the correct names for anatomical parts. Vulva, vagina, clitoris, nipples, anus, penis, scrotum. The research is clear that this practice encourages positive body image, openness, and body confidence. In addition, using the correct names helps eliminate confusion when children are talking about their bodies with doctors or in the case of injury or abuse. Create an environment where it is acceptable for your child to ask questions about their body or their observations about themselves.
  2. Recognize and address any discomfort you have with talking about sex and reproduction. Did looking at the above list of words create worry in you? Do you feel confident in using those words without embarrassment? Have a conversation with your parenting partner if applicable to get these areas of discomfort out into the open. One place to start is talking about how you both first learned about sex and reproduction, and what parts of that process you feel worked well for you and what you might want to do differently for your own child.
  3. Think about what kind of message about sex and sexuality you want to convey to your child. If your goal is to convey that intercourse and reproduction are a healthy part of human existence, your tone and language choices should match. When you discuss things like menstruation with your son or daughter, think about how to address any issues of shame or secrecy that can accompany it.
  4. Build your library now. It’s Not the Stork is a good place to start for language and explanations appropriate for children age 4ish and up. By the same group, It’s So Amazing is a great resource for children aged 7 and up. For slightly older children who may want to do some reading on their own, It’s Perfectly Normal is suitable for ages 10 and up. Reading through these books yourself ahead of time will help you with centering your thoughts on developmentally appropriate ways to explain concepts and will also help orient you to some of the areas that may be part of your discussions at different ages.
  5. Know that the conversations won’t all happen at once. The first question your child asks might be more concrete, like “why doesn’t my baby sister have a penis too?” or it could be a little bigger, like “How did that baby get in your belly?” or “What the heck are ‘lovers’ and what do they do, anyway?” (Thanks, popular music!) For the more simple questions, answer what is asked and wait for your child to ask their follow up questions, if any. They will let you know how much they are ready for, and when. Follow their lead. It’s OK if you don’t feel like you have adequate time to answer or if you aren’t 100% sure what you want to say. Respond by acknowledging their question and tell them that you want to take a little time to make sure you have the best information to give them, then make a plan to follow up with a conversation within a day or so. 

That all seems pretty manageable, right? Set a good foundation with these five steps now and you will be ready when that “Mom? I have a question…” comes hurtling at you out of nowhere from the backseat. Good luck, we are always here with a virtual hug (or glass of wine) if needed.

Talking to kids about sex providence moms blog

The Evolution of Zoo School: Preschool Adventures at RWPZ

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Zoo School Preschool Adventures Providence Moms BlogRight before my daughter’s third birthday, I found out about a program at Roger Williams Park Zoo.  I now realize it is called Preschool Adventures, but for the last two year (and for probably forever) I’ve lovingly referred to it as “Zoo School.” We’ve attended most of the sessions offered each year and I’m always excited for the next class. Here’s how it works: each month, an animal is highlighted. The class consists of four main sections: circle time talking about the animal, craft time where we make a craft associated with the animal, animal encounter where a small animal (usually not the animal of the month) is brought into the classroom for an up-close interaction, and finally walking to the exhibit in the zoo of the animal. We’ve learned about snow leopards, giraffes, elephants, red pandas, and so many others (and now you know why they bring in a small cuddly animal and not the animal of the month). 

As we approach our final class I’ve taken the time to reflect on the last 3 years of classes.  Here are the lessons I’ve learned.

zoo school preschool adventures Providence Moms Blog

Year 1 – Our kids are 3 years old

Expectation: Our adorable tiny children will meet new kids, learn about cute animals, and of course will sit nicely and listen.
Outcome: Our children turned three; our expectations were lofty. Every class the phrases “stop that,” “sit still” “if I have to say this again WE ARE LEAVING” could be heard more than I care to admit.

Year 2 – Our kids are 4 years old

Expectation/Prayers: Please let us make it through ONE class without threatening to leave!
Outcome: Woo hoo — they are sitting on the rug!!! (Well, they sat for a little bit, which let’s face it, is a win!)

Year 3 – Our kids are 5 years old

Expectation: Our kids are going to be the oldest and therefore they should show the little kids how to be good….right?
Outcome: They sit, they listen, they answer EVERY question (even the ones not asked) and they provide commentary on everything.  Sadly, they avoid the small children and have little to no interest in mentoring them.

Here’s the thing, the biggest problem with these classes isn’t that our children don’t sit still and give undivided attention because realistically they are three to five years old. Children at that age don’t give anything undivided attention. The issue was our expectations. We expected them to act and learn as an older child might. Through it all, the teacher Miss Makenzie (a SAINT) never yelled or pulled them aside because she had known they wouldn’t sit still or listen to every fun fact or lesson she had planned. Her patience and calm nature had a way of capturing the attention that they had the capability to devote to her.

 

zoo school Preschool Adventures Roger Williams Park Zoo

By adjusting expectations we can change the feel of our experiences. They are only little once and it’s a good thing because I’m not sure I could relive the threenager year!

Find the class listing here!

Golf Tees, Super Soakers, and Potato Chips: An Awakening and Ode to Black History

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black history Providence Moms Blog inventors trailblazers pioneersBlack History Month takes on a whole new meaning for me now. So do potato chips, the Super Soaker, and golf tees.

Last year, I had the honor and privilege of working on a custom art piece for a friend and the impact of it continues to rock my world. Her request was to create a typographical piece that included as many African American inventors and pioneers as I could find in the fields of Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM). So, after I did a ton of research, voilà, I had a list of over 40 incredible trailblazers and inventors with world-altering inventions to craft into a work of art.

Then I realized, out of this stunning list, I had only heard of three people.

Three.

That has stuck with me. I was floored by what I didn’t know. 

I consider myself fairly well educated and a life-long learner. I actively encourage education and learning in a variety of forms for my two young children. So why didn’t I know these names?

Because I had already checked “learning Black History” off my educational to-do list. I knew about Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, George Washington Carver, even Dorothy Height and the impact of Tuskegee University. I assumed I was a more enlightened person for knowing about their work. We all are, aren’t we?

That’s what we think

But prior to this custom art request, I allowed myself to stop learning about “Black History.” I was living with the assumption that if the information was important enough, it would have shown up in some school curriculum. Well, now I know that that’s not the case.

Even with the great people and accomplishments I learned about in public school, it was by no means complete. George Washington Carver’s legacy is insultingly reduced to peanut products. Mr. Carver’s work at Tuskegee University with sweet potatoes, soybeans, pecans, and peanuts, among many other crops, focused on sharecrop diversity and soil regeneration, would directly impact the national economy. He was an agricultural advisor to President Theodore Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi! That’s a lesson in environmental sustainability at a global level, not a legume. 

As a society, we think this reduction of accomplishments is enough. We roll our eyes when we see Black History Month because the same faces and bios are highlighted again and again and again. The month itself has become a reduction of an entire group of people who are integral to our nation’s history and have been and continue to be repeatedly cast aside.

So we should know that in 1899, George F. Grant, a Harvard graduate and the first African American Harvard faculty member invented and patented the wooden golf tee. This revolutionized a game that was ironically dominated by white men and only recently allowed a diversity of players to join its ranks.

We should know that the same man who created the Super Soaker Water Gun, Lonnie Johnson, also created a heating system that can revolutionize energy consumption for the planet, has over 90 patents in his name and is STILL inventing to help solve the world’s issues before they become crises.

We should know that George Crum, head chef at the Moon’s Lake House in Saratoga Springs, NY, is attributed with creating the most consumed snack product, the potato chip, to sarcastically appease a complaining customer in 1853. This sparked an international snack craze that has never stopped.

The list goes on and on.

What is also incredible to consider are the trailblazers. In the confines of the research I did for this piece of art, the first African Americans, both men and women, to receive Ph.D’s in various STEM fields are mostly within the 20th century, some as recently as the 1970s. That’s really not that long ago. If you’re in your thirties, these pioneers could be contemporaries of your parents.

But we think, well, that’s great! That’s progress! The door of opportunity is open for a few to lead the way! And a great many of us let it go at that thinking that collectively as a society, we are doing OK. 

So if we believe America is a country that welcomes and embraces the diversity of cultures, why is there a Black Lives Matter movement? Why are some states covertly removing Confederate monuments at night and others only proposing they be removed, or worse, relocated? As this all happens around us, we are redefining American culture and society through our action and inaction. By sitting solely on our belief that we think we are doing OK, we are actively regressing from everything these 40+ trailblazers and inventors worked for: a better, more accepting world.

So what do we do? At the very least, we remember these “new” pioneering names and accomplishments. Then we learn more about them and actively incorporate them into our world. Recognize and acknowledge these names as people who worked through adversity to do what most never will: transform a dream into a world-changing reality. Then we should not forget them. We can’t settle for just knowing who they are. We need to uphold the world they envisioned. We need to combat the culture that tried to bury these names in the shifting dunes of history. This is not a month-long endeavor. This must become a daily tribute.

I hope the next time you eat a potato chip, use a water gun, or swing a (mini-) golf club, you’ll remember the effort behind those creations and not take their inventors, existence, and impact for granted. We should be celebrating our history’s successes and brilliant contributors of all backgrounds to showcase what more we can accomplish as a united, collaborative and accepting nation, not to see what bad behavior we can get away with under the guise of being progressive.

For more on this topic, check out Malcolm Gladwell’s stunningly crafted rant about moral licensing.



Enter to win a copy of Kim’s limited edition print, Black History Month Inventors & Pioneers Print by clicking on the link below:

 

Gone, But Not Forgotten: the Grief of Losing a Loved One

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gone grief losing loved one Providence Moms Blog

This past fall, my uncle lost his battle with cancer. While expected, his decline happened much faster than anticipated. However, I am sure those closest to him do not feel that way. It is also fair to say that even when you are prepared for the worst, it does not make a loss any easier to bear. His absence will leave a hole in our lives. Our family get-togethers will be a little quieter. We will miss his humor and infectious laugh. Our lives will be less bright without him.

Over the past few weeks, I have grieved. I have grieved for my mother and her siblings who lost their brother. I have grieved for my aunt, who lost her partner of 44 years and for his grandchildren, who lost their papa. However, it is my cousins, who lost their father, that affects me the most. I know it is because I see myself in them. I know it because I, like them, have been blessed with incredibly involved parents who still continue to shape my life.

On the day of the funeral, when my cousin got up to give her eulogy, she opened with “how could I possibly tell you everything I need to about my dad? How can I put into words how much he will be missed?” and my heart shattered into a million pieces. She was right. There was no way she could possibly convey all the love he had given to them or the love they returned. There are memories and funny stories to share, but those do not even scratch the surface. How can you put into words the unconditional love you received? Stories cannot explain the unspoken moments, nuisances, and love that surrounds them.  There is no way to really explain how someone has touched your entire life to the moment they were taken from you.

As a child, I never imagined how much I would need my parents as an adult. Even more unexpected was how desperately I would need them when I became a parent. My parents are my go to. I call them to ask advice, share funny stories, vent, and validate my own parenting. They lift me up when I am deflated and bring me back down when I am a bit over the top. Often, they tell me the truth, even when I may not want to hear it. They love my babies and would do anything for them. They would do anything for me. I do not know what I would do without them.

My aunt and cousins’ loss is tremendous. I know that the holidays will be hard for them. They just spent their first Thanksgiving without him. His birthday quietly crept up on us, only he did not gain another year. The Christmas season was less joyous. This time of year is chock full of memories. These memories bring joy, but also sorrow. There is never a good time to lose someone, but I am sure the holiday season is especially difficult.

However, I think it will be the day to day life that will catch them the most off guard. It will be the days they reach for their cell phone to call dad, only to realize he will not pick up. Or it might be the song on the radio that reminds them of him. It could be a funny phrase or a look one of their daughters’ gives them that will catch them by surprise. It will be all the small parts of life that will remind them of his love.

Their grieving process will never end. You cannot just forget someone you love so deeply. Yes, life will continue on, but you cannot erase their presence in your life. I find the only true way to honor their memory is to try and love others as deeply as they loved you. Maybe then their legacy can truly live on. 

 

The Eve of Three

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eve three Providence Moms Blog

As parents, we’re told how time will fly when we bring our babies home. It never seems real until you’re standing in the party aisle trying to find Paw Patrol plates for your baby’s 3rd birthday.

Soon my baby, possibly my last baby, will turn three. While she is still our snuggly girl, she is quickly becoming an independent person. Three is a double edge sword. Three has her own voice, thoughts, preferences, and questions; three also has a loud voice, 8 million thoughts every five minutes, preferences that change at the drop of a hat, and questions that even the world’s greatest oracle couldn’t answer. I love the inquisitiveness that this stage of life brings. Everything is new and fun; for example, going to the zoo is a whole new experience for them because now they now know facts about those animals that last year were just kind of cool.

While this time is amazing for your toddler, it can also be hard as a parent to realize the tiny humans you’re responsible for are slowly becoming more and more able to take care of themselves. From toilet training to dressing independently, eating, or getting on those pesky swings by themselves; all these tasks that they fully relied on you for are becoming easier and easier for them to accomplish solo. This is not to say that they’re pushing us aside. Our babies will always need their mamas, but their needs will change and you’ll have to adapt.

Soon you’ll be signing them up for preschool, which by the way requires about as much paperwork as a mortgage. Next, it will be school orientations and then sending your sweet little angel (ha!) off to a big giant school where you’re convinced they’ll be trampled by a rowdy 2nd grader. Okay, so that one may just be my concern, but you get it.  

For now, I will enjoy the end of two. The snuggly toddler who screams when she can’t sit on my lap; my (not so) tiny hurricane who wakes up running, the curly haired girl who loves her sister fiercely. Three is coming, and it will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride. Call me crazy, but it’s a ride I cannot wait to take. 

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How DO People Have More than One Kid?

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Photo credit: Haven Photography www.havenphotography.com

 

People keep asking me, “So when are you having the next one?” “Do you want more?” even the nurse as I was leaving the hospital, “I’ll see you back for his sibling!” 

No. I can’t do it. I can barely manage one.

This is normal for a mom of an only child, right?

I guess I always thought I would have one kid, maybe… if even. I never had that need for a bunch of kids, or more than one for that matter. There was even a span of time where I wasn’t convinced I wanted any at all.

Looking back now, that seems insane because I have this beautiful baby boy who lights up my life, but also runs me ragged on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I love being his mom and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but again I ask myself, “How DO people have more than one kid?”

Here’s a quick, real-life example: My son was recently sick with a pretty nasty virus, which clearly created a miserable, inconsolable, unimaginably clingy, 19-month-old. Conveniently enough, I also contracted that same nasty virus right around day three. Flash forward to way too many days and nights of no rest, constant boogers, and tears. As I lay on the couch watching “Finger Family” for the 500th time, I asked myself, “How DO people have more than one kid?”

I was barely able to survive being sick with one child. It was honestly a close call. If there were more of him, I don’t think I would have made it. 

As my son approaches two, I have my moments (usually when he’s asleep, or I have been away for some chunk of the day) when I actually consider having another one. Crazy I know, but I miss that tiny little baby I once had.

Shortly after I have these thoughts, I quickly smack some sense into myself by comparing a child to a puppy. Puppies are great! They are cute and small and cuddly… but they eventually become dogs. You can’t have another kid because you want a baby. That’s just irresponsible. They grow up, and not that you wouldn’t want them then, but the reasoning behind it seems kind of faulty.

That brings me back to my initial question, “How DO people have more than one kid?” How do you know? When is too late? Am I ruining my child if I don’t give him a sibling? Am I ruining my child if I do? Can my marriage handle another round of this insanity? And so on.

I’m pretty convinced that moment of clarity never comes. You just weigh your pros and cons and either take the plunge or don’t. Many people know before they even have their first kid that they want more and good for them! I commend them! They are champions, even heroes in my book. I, on the other hand, stand with those who are greatly unsure, maybe even leaning more towards the NO end of the spectrum. I have one happy and healthy little boy. Isn’t that enough?

Moms in the Arts: An Interview with Shura Baryshnikov

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Many thanks to our friends at RISD Continuing Education for allowing us to bring this interview to our readers.
moms arts Shura Baryshnikov Providence Moms Blog
Photo credit: Nikki Carrara

As I sprint down Washington Street, I’m clutching my laptop bag to keep it from banging against my legs and praying that my inability to get my daughters out the door on time for school hasn’t kept Shura Baryshnikov waiting long. As I open the door to Ellie’s Bakery, sure enough, a petite blonde with striking blue eyes is sitting at the back table. Apologetic and overwhelmed, I rush over to introduce myself. Shura, however, is untroubled and reassures me that I’m right on time. As I gather my thoughts, I can’t help but stare at this poised yet unassuming woman wearing a stylish gray scarf and a soft leopard print sweatshirt. She’s honest, open, and exudes a quiet self-possession that’s wise beyond her years. Although she’s only a few years older, Shura and I are at very different parenting stages in our lives. She’s in the thick of the teenage years while I’m still in the thick of diapers. And for our morning together, it felt more like I was getting advice from my big sister or catching up with an old friend than interviewing an impressive, self-made woman who has worked tirelessly to find her path out of the shadows of her famous parents, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Jessica Lange, and reinvent herself as an interdisciplinary movement artist, dancer, choreographer, professor, business owner, and single mother. 

Cultivating Her Artistry

I can’t resist asking: how did Shura’s interest in dance begin? Was it at the encouragement of her father? Like most young girls, Shura started her dance classes in classical ballet, but her parents gave her ample room to discover her own interests. “I certainly saw incredible dance and theater growing up. I was surrounded by those incredibly creative communities, and it was certainly formative. But I certainly never felt pressure from them to engage in those disciplines.” I confess to her that my oldest daughter has been in ballet classes for three years, and my youngest daughter will most likely join in her older sister’s footsteps. Ballet, we agree, is often an obvious choice for young girls.

But Shura is grateful that her parents respected her space to make her own decisions about her extracurricular activities; by the time she was thirteen years old, her interest in dance waned, and she began to focus on sports and horseback riding. But as she moved into adulthood, Shura naturally gravitated back to dance. “I went back to dance on my own because I had a genuine interest and desire to move; to have a rich life that’s grounded in improvisational practices and contemporary movement. But I came to it on my own. I found my way in that was not related to [my parents’] disciplines per se, but truly an expression of what I was interested in investigating.” 

Shura Baryshnikov Moms Arts Providence Moms Blog
Photo Credit: James Lastowski. Featured with Danielle Davidson.

Giving Ourselves Space

I’m curious now about how Shura has grown as a dancer throughout her career, and I’ve walked into our interview unfairly assuming that her artistry is genetically inbred and easily accessible. I envision a home environment brimming with artistry for both herself and her daughters. But she’s quick to set the record straight when I ask her about how she is able to be so creative and engaged as a mother: “I think that we need to be generous with ourselves. I don’t always succeed in cultivating that generosity. Sometimes all I do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix, and sometimes I can’t enforce the sit-down dinner for everyone and engage in stimulating conversation. Sometimes it’s just too much.”

It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who feels like I can’t constantly provide the creative stimulus I’d like to for my children and that as mothers, we need to give ourselves permission to have downtime to recharge. As we talk more about this, Shura points out that in order to have moments of creativity and inspiration, both within ourselves and for our children, we need to give “ourselves the space to know we need to let ourselves off the hook sometimes; that’s also part of the creative and generative process of finding a way to reinvigorate our interest in what we do. We can’t always be pushing. There’s a renewal where we have to build our battery stores up again” so we can keep moving forward.

But for her daughters, Shura has worked hard to make sure that they are able to explore their own passions. “I’ve tried to follow their interests and not push them into any particular mold. And they’ve both emerged with really defined and specifics interests, and I’m just trying to support those as best as I can. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with myself, and I just want to keep the dialogue open with them.” Shura makes it clear that she’s offered opportunities to her girls (her youngest is a budding circus performer; her oldest is an actress, singer, and linguist) but has expected them to take the lead in discovering where they want to put their creative energy. 

Shura Baryshnikov Moms in the Arts Providence Moms Blog

On Raising Independent Children

In talking to Shura, it’s clear that she’s very proud of her daughters and their accomplishments. And it seems that her biggest priority as a mother is to teach her daughters how to be independent. Her girls have household chores and responsibilities and are in charge of organizing their own time management and activities. Whether it’s fighting over who has to unload the dishwasher, filling out their own paperwork, or making sure their homework is completed on time, Shura has a “hands-off” approach and trusts that she’s given her girls the skills and ability to manage their daily routines on their own. Her oldest daughter will study abroad in France for the school year while her youngest will tour for the third time as a trouper with the all-children circus, Circus Smirkus, this summer.

While some parents may perceive this as a lack of parenting attachment, I find it impressive that Shura has a secure relationship with her daughters where they feel comfortable enough to explore on their own adventures. Appreciative of the feedback, she agrees. She begins to gush about her daughters, and it’s clear that she’s proud of the young adults they’re becoming. “My girls are very different. It’s always that surprising thing of how can two people, two sisters from the same parents turn out with such different interests, personalities, and constitutions? That’s the joy of parenting, of getting to see who they become. It’s been beautiful to watch that unfold and see their individuality.”

Shura Baryshnikov Moms Arts Providence Moms Blog
Photo Credit: Genevieve Du Paul

Cultivating Curiosity

I still want to know more about how Shura cultivated artistry and creativity for her own daughters. Did her daughters, who are accomplished artists themselves, pick up on artistry merely through osmosis, or did Shura work hard to give her daughters an artistic upbringing? She is quick to admit that fostering an interest in the arts came more out of necessity than anything else. “They spent a lot of time with me in rehearsals and in studios, and they saw me working toward the things that I wanted for myself. I think that’s partially the result that I didn’t have an established career when I had them because I had them so young. I was 21 and 23 when my girls were born, so I really had come into my professional life and creative practice with them as they moved through their childhood and elementary school years. I was also growing with them as an artist and kind of discovering what makes me happy. They were witness to that.”

Shura’s daughters watched the blood, sweat, and tears she put into her career. Transparency, though, has been a necessity, and Shura is a firm believer in making sure that her daughters understand life’s challenges and that there are no easy shortcuts.  “I think that showing our children what is important to us by example is really important. And that’s not without its cost. They’ve had to have a lot of independence because I was building a foundation for myself as an artist. I couldn’t rest on my laurels or the work I had done previous to having them. I really had to build everything from the ground up after they were born, and so they saw the hard work. And they’ve seen me go from doing part-time, independent work as a dancer and choreographer, to having a full-time faculty position and running a company. But life is hard, no matter what your circumstances.”

Shura Baryshnikov Moms in the Arts Providence Moms Blog

Finding Her Path

Shura has taken nothing for granted and has embraced all her life experiences as bringing her to certain paths based on both practicalities and desires. “I think we’re constantly making decisions that are practical and instinctual. We’re trying to pursue our needs and our dreams. Sometimes those things overlap, and sometimes they don’t.” Finding herself as a single mother at a young age, Shura knew she needed to find work that allowed her flexibility. And like most women, she engaged in the give and take of following her passion while making sure the bills were paid and food was on the table. Her career has ebbed and flowed: Shura has worked as an interior designer, arts administrator, teacher, and runs her own company.

She describes her career as lily pads: all of her life experiences have always brought her to her next career step. She has a clear appreciation for all the life lessons she’s gained from her non-traditional career moves and the various jobs she’s had in her life. While now, for example, she realizes that working in arts administration would not sustain her passions long term, it taught her both business management and catapulted her to pursue a more creative practice. “We often have to do things we don’t want to do. But ideally, there’s some grand design where we’re learning a set of skills that can be useful to us. We have a path that’s not necessarily linear, but that builds a base of knowledge and experience that ends up being valuable when we finally find our way to the things we need to be doing. I don’t think it changes. I think it’s reinvention. Nine lives: that’s more the reality. We don’t necessarily stay in the same careers all our lives.”

Seasons of Our Lives

I find it incredibly reassuring to know that I’m not the only mother out there continually wondering how to redefine my career and work experiences. Shura reassures me that she had to say “yes” to a lot of jobs before the felt she had the option to say “no.” I find this so encouraging to hear, and Shura reminds me that I’m still in the “survival stage” of parenting. “What it comes down to is that there are seasons in our lives. My mom says this now that she’s been an empty nester for years, ‘everything in your career and life happens at once — your relationships, your career, your parenting, your professional life — everything falls at once, and you’re juggling it, but at some point, there’s going to be a lot more space.’ So it’s recognizing that nothing stays the same forever. The kind of frenetic life that I’m keeping right now; the company and the professorship and the kids — that will pass eventually. It’s not going to stay the same. My kids are going to grow up and move out of the house, and even my company work, as it is now, won’t last forever. There will be a time and a season for something to be different.”

For Shura, that means one day she’ll have more time to practice her solo work in her studio and a reminder to take care of herself as best as she can. But for now, to keep up with the daily pace of life, Shura has carved out small rituals for herself: her morning breakfast smoothie and coffee, taking her girls to school in her pajamas, cooking a healthy meal most nights while listening to NPR, and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy while reminding herself that she has to be forgiving when life isn’t perfect. “I don’t need to beat myself up about anything.”

Shura Baryshnikov Moms Arts Providence Moms Blog
Photo Credit: Aaron Henderson. Featured with Sydney Skybetter.

Her Advice to Other Parents 

What advice does she have for parents who might not consider themselves to be creative, but who want to foster artistic creativity in their own children? Pinterest, the library, and music classes are all excellent resources, but Shura cautions against controlling too much of our children’s lived experiences: “I think children will have natural aptitudes and will gravitate towards particular things, and as parents, we need to pay attention to that and fuel that fire. Children can discover on their own. They don’t necessarily need to be exposed to it. It’s just kind of recognizing that interest in them and then figuring out how to feed that interest, even if it’s not your area of expertise.”

At the same time, Shura emphasizes the importance of creating a village of support for ourselves and our children, and to find other parents to lean on who share common values. “It’s impossible to be everything for our children. We have to recognize that they benefit from their exposure to other people as well and their expertise. We can’t be everything to our partners, we can’t be everything to our children — it’s too much pressure to put on one person. We just have to create that environment where they have access to that information and those people.” By just watching our children, we can figure out how to feed their interests, and we don’t have to do that alone. For Shura, having a network of support was instrumental in raising independent and successful daughters.

The One Piece of Advice She Hopes Her Girls Listen To

“I think we need to follow our curiosity. I think if we are attentive to our curiosity, it will generally guide us to the next jump in our lives. If we can keep the things we’re curious about, doors will open and things will unfold for us. Curiosity leads you to your passions.”



Moms in the Arts Providence Moms Blog

At Providence Moms Blog, we are passionate about the amazing multi-dimensionality of motherhood and aim to support mothers in their role as “mom” while encouraging them to honor all the other aspects of their identity. We believe that the arts are an essential part of what makes us human and encourage all moms to make the arts a part of their own and their children’s lives. We are proud to partner with Rhode Island School of Design’s Continuing Education Program for this series. 

RISD Continuing Education educates students of all ages in art and design with high quality, accessible programs, courses, lectures, and workshops.  

RISD CE offers courses for adults in the fine and applied arts and design at beginning, intermediate, and advanced levels. You’ll find a range of options to explore the world of art and design and RISD’s flexible course schedules meet the needs of today’s adult learners and their busy lifestyles. Options include 3-hour and weekend workshops, 6-12 session courses, and full certificate programs. 

RISD’s Young Artist Program (ages 6-17) helps students make their mark as they create, build, make, and dream big through courses in 2D, 3D, digital art and design, as well as STEAM courses. 
Saturday courses are offered year-round, and week-long vacation camps are offered in the winter, spring, and summer. Teens can enroll in one of four certificate programs to broaden their skills or prepare for a future in art and design.

Releasing the Mom Guilt When Work Travel Calls

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releasing mom guilt work travel Providence Moms Blog

I am a work-from-home mom, and sometimes my work requires travel. I might add, this travel is super fun and is basically a five-day party with my best girlfriends. It feels more like a vacation than a work trip. As moms, I think the world tells us we’re not supposed to enjoy trips away from our families, especially work travel, so I find myself feeling conflicted.

Over a recent weekend, I was at a conference in Atlanta with about 8,000 other women. One of the speakers–a multimillionaire entrepreneur and all-around inspiration–took to the stage and talked to us about Mom Guilt. Not selling strategies, not ways to boost our belief in ourselves, not mapping out a successful year, but Mom Guilt. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Here I was, halfway across the country and excited for time with the best work friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was mired in Mom Guilt. Before I left for the five-day trip, I made a detailed three-page schedule of all of the things I keep in my head: this kid gets out 20 minutes before that kid on Tuesdays, but they both have activities until 5:00 on Wednesdays; this kid is invited to that birthday party on Sunday and the gift is arriving via Amazon; this kid gets lunch at school but won’t eat Shepherd’s Pie so make lunch on Monday; and on and on into infinity. This schedule included schematics detailing the pickup and drop off paths at school and other crazy minutiae. In short, this schedule was insane, and it made me wonder if I was, too.

I spent the day before my trip frantically doing everyone else’s laundry and pre-packing snacks for the kids’ backpacks instead of packing my own suitcase, which I did 20 minutes before I had to leave for the airport. I promised to bring back gifts and said goodbye way too many times. And then I got on the plane with my best friend and succumbed to the worry: would my daughter feel sad if she didn’t hear her special lullaby before bed? Would my son remember to bring his snow boots so he could sled at recess? Would anyone go to bed on time? How would my husband handle the morning drop off? Would everyone be stressed and anxious and upset, or was that just me?

Thank goodness I heard the speech about Mom Guilt the next day and not on the last day of the conference. What the wise speaker imparted was this: yes, what’s happening at home is different than how you would have done it, but that’s good for everyone. Let their dad or whoever is taking care of them be the hero and come up with his own solutions to routine problems like not having any of the pretzels they like. She reminded me that while I’m not there to swoop in and supervise homework or remember whose bath night it is, there is another capable adult in the house who can certainly handle it. And she also reminded me that it is a life skill for our children to be able to work successfully with different people. They aren’t always going to have a day that’s exactly the way they prefer it, and the sooner they are able to adjust to that, the better. Finally, she suggested that this could be a form of socialization: because the moms were away, perhaps some teenage babysitters or grandparents were helping out. It’s healthy for children–really for everyone–to learn to get along with people of all ages because when we go to college or get our first jobs, not everyone is the same age as us. Elementary school is a controlled, false environment, where all the 7-year-olds are together. Once little Sally or Johnny gets a job, the 21-year-olds don’t all have their own floor, and they don’t then graduate to the 22-year-old floor. Of course, same-age classrooms make sense, but I had to admit that she had a point.

So I took an empowering breath, released the guilt, trusted that I would get a phone call if anything horrific happened, and believed that my husband and mother-in-law had it covered. I got what I needed out of the conference, and was able to be fully present and worry-free. At the airport, before my return flight, I grabbed the gifts I had promised my children (sidenote: I asked them if they wanted toiletries from the hotel or gum from the airport. Faced with this choice, they obviously chose the gum, saving me from buying an overpriced replica of an airplane…again….).

I got home and was greeted with ecstatic hugs from happy children who had been fed, bathed, driven all over God’s green earth, and loved while I was gone. I learned that my son had conned his grandmother into sleeping in his double bed with him for the past few nights, and thought what a sweet memory that will be for both of them. I also thought that it’s something I would have said no to because it was a school night. I learned that during the school holiday while my husband was at work, she had asked them where they’d like to go for lunch and then used her GPS (which scares her) to take them there. I learned that my husband wrapped the birthday gift beautifully and made friends with other men at the birthday party. In short, I learned that not only did everyone survive without me, they thrived. And all this priceless lesson cost me was two packs of gum. 

releasing mom guilt work travel Providence Moms Blog

7 Things I Do Now that I’m a Mom

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So many things change when you become a parent. Your daily routine is just the tip of the iceberg. I realized recently that I have morphed into a new version of myself, sometimes exhibiting strange behaviors.  I don’t where or when I picked up these habits. But I did so nonetheless. Here are 7 things I do now that I’m a mom.

1. I hide in the bathroom

I’ll admit it, sometimes I hide in the bathroom. The door closed, phone or magazine in hand, mug on the counter. And while little hands occasionally beat on the door, I spout lies at the top of my lungs. “Give mommy some privacy, please! I’ll be out in a minute! I’m going potty!” when really, I am enjoying a sip of coffee that has not been microwaved while catching up on Facebook. I haven’t resorted to eating in there yet. But I am not opposed should the need present itself. Which leads me to….

2. I eat in bed

Never ever did I do this before having kids. The thought revolted me. Crumbs in my bed? EW! But now, especially on the weekends, I eat my breakfast in bed. Why? Because little people have taken over the living room and rather than watch The Descendants for the 18th time at 7am, I prefer the Today Show or Fixer Upper with my scrambled eggs. Don’t judge, I make the bed first and I use a napkin.

3. I narrate my day

I talk to myself A LOT. I read somewhere in the Guide for New Moms (okay, I made that title up, but it was in a parenting book somewhere, I’m sure of it) that it’s helpful to warn your kids about what will be happening next. So I’m always saying, “girls, in five minutes we’re going to have lunch and then we’ll go to the playground.” But now, I do this even when they’re not around. “In 10 minutes I’ll go the bank then stop by work,” I say out loud. Who am I warning? Myself? My husband? He’s not listening!

4. I go outside in my pajamas

I am no glamour girl. I’ve left the house in gym clothes, without makeup, wearing a baseball hat before. But I always had shoes on my feet and actual clothing on my body. This year, I decided that was too much effort and I took casual to another level. On any given morning I can be seen chatting it up at the bus stop in my pajamas and slippers. I still brush my hair and put my contacts in, but if I’m not going to the office, I’m not getting dressed before 8am. I am not alone and I am not ashamed.

5. I laugh on daily basis

It’s not that I was miserable before, but it’s true that kids say darnedest things!  Every day my girls do something that makes me laugh out loud. Knock knock jokes are a regular occurrence at the dinner table, and I relish in the goofy stories and mispronunciations. I don’t correct my youngest when she says, “Frankenstyle” is her favorite Halloween monster or when she asks if that parking spot is for “handy captain.” I just laugh and answer, “yes it is!”  Someday she’ll say it right, but for now, she’s four and I like her little language. And there’s nothing quite as funny as being forced to watch your kids put on a dance performance complete with wacky costumes, hair flips, and dramatic poses. I now know what I put my mother through and all I have to say is, “you’re welcome!”

6. I cry at the drop of a hat

I have never considered myself an emotional person. Now I might as well carry a hanky. Movies, television shows (I am talking to you, This Is Us!) have me blubbering like an idiot without much effort. I cry at my husband’s choice of anniversary cards. I cried at my daughter’s first recital and when she and my husband posed for pictures before the sweetheart dance. I cried when I changed my last diaper and when I nursed my second child for the very last time. The crying seems to happen whenever it wants. Its wrapped up in happiness, sadness and pride for everything they do. I’m a sap.

7. I worry constantly

I think this is the one part of parenthood I could do without. I would trade this for more night feedings, more temper tantrums, even an annual bout with the stomach bug. I worry about everything.  I worry if my kids are playing alone on the playground, if they’re eating enough, pooping enough, or watching too much TV. I have anxiety about the future, both mine and theirs. I worry about this crazy world and if it will be better or worse when they’re adults. I question if we are doing a good job, and if we’re teaching them all the right things. But most of all I worry that time is going too fast and I’m going to miss something. Then I worry that I am worrying a bit too much.

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