7 Things Your Struggling Friend Might Not Tell You…

It’s no secret that I struggle with seasonal depression, and general anxiety disorder.  I try to be open to writing about these things despite the embarrassment derived from my vulnerability.  I hope that by opening dialogue, mental health issues will become easier to talk about, easier to identify, and easier to treat. That said, there are some things that your friends struggling with depression and/or anxiety might be experiencing, but not necessarily sharing.

1. Self-care is hard. Really really hard. I’m not talking about making time for spa days or weekends away, I’m talking about the bare minimum. Showering. Combing through your hair. Washing your clothes and putting those clean clothes on your body. Changing your sheets. Feeding yourself. This sounds pretty basic, but it is really difficult for someone struggling with depression.
2. The physical side-effects take us by surprise. Depression makes your bones feel tired, and your body ache. Anxiety contributes to stomach issues and muscle pain. It’s not just in your head, your body actually physically hurts. Also, most medication affects appetite. I gained a significant amount of weight since beginning my new medication, and there’s really not much I can do about it. It can be so incredibly frustrating and can even serve as a deterrent when seeking out treatment. I had no idea medication even did that before living through it.  
3. Easy decisions take an unbearable amount of energy. What’s for dinner? What movie do you want to see? What book do you want to read to the kids? Ugh, I DON’T KNOW! Why do I have to make all of the decisions anyway? Can’t someone else just take the reigns for a little bit because all I really want to do is go to sleep. Deciding everything all the time is incredibly exhausting.
4. Communicating how someone else can help is really difficult. People ask me how they can help, and I have no idea. I don’t expect help, and I don’t know how to respond to the kindness of friends looking for ways to help. Your struggling friend probably doesn’t know how to articulate the help he/she needs and doesn’t feel like sitting down and figuring it out.  We appreciate proactivity. Don’t ask first, just do it. It takes the load off of all the decision making and helps us conserve the little energy we have.
5. Most friends can’t deal. The disease I have hurts not only myself but others too. It hurts the friend who I have cancelled on 39 times, despite my best intentions. It hurts my kids who can’t play on that high playground structure because I can vividly see them falling to their death on the mulch below. It hurts my husband and family and people who really don’t understand that it’s not personal. I really am trying and I wish things were easier. Anyone going through this wishes things were easier. No one likes to be the constant source of disappointment. Trust me.
6. Medication is not a cure. I think this is what has surprised my husband most. We think of medication as a fix-all, in a way. If you have a headache, Tylenol will make it go away, right? So why are we still struggling while on anti-depressants? Well, things are a little different with SSRI’s. They aren’t a complete cure-all. They help lift the fog enough so that you are able to move through it. You still deal with the symptoms, but it helps you think more clearly and have a better grip over your decision making processes. I am not downplaying medication whatsoever. Lexapro saved my life. What I am saying is that it doesn’t make depression or anxiety disappear the way we all wish it would.
7. The stigma keeps us quiet. It took me months to admit to a close friend that depression was keeping me in bed until almost noon, or that my anxiety kept me from sitting through crowded church services. Even now, people’s misconceptions can be really hurtful. In a lot of ways, it’s easier to isolate and try to cope by ourselves. As a friend of someone who struggles, make yourself someone they feel they can come to. Don’t tell them how they need to fix their problems, just listen to understand. Listen, to understand. We could all use a little more listening ears nowadays, struggling or not.

I know that not everyone’s experiences with depression and anxiety mirror my own. Honestly, I think I wrote this as much for myself as I did for anyone else. This thing is hard and real and heavy. It’s isolating and alienating and when you’re by yourself, the lies have more room to run wild. I hope you use this as a springboard for conversation. Your struggling friends need to know they are not alone. If you are struggling, please know you are not the only one going through this. Take care friends, don’t be afraid to reach out.