Dear Beautiful Friend,
I haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope you’re okay. At our age, it’s not uncommon to go months or even years without hearing from a friend and think nothing of it. But with you it’s different. You didn’t just stop texting. You disappeared from social media too. Maybe you just wanted to unplug from the Facebook train. I get that. Sometimes it does more harm than good. I hope that’s all it is. I hope it’s not because of him. I know you said you were done with him, but you have said that before, and I just can’t help but wonder if maybe you took him back again. If you did, then I don’t have to wonder why I haven’t heard from you. I already know. He never liked me. He always tried to make you think you couldn’t trust me. That I’d turn on you if I saw “who you really are.” He did everything he could to convince you to break ties with me, not because I am toxic, but because he is. And he knew I was a threat. He saw me offer you kindness, and he knew if you experienced genuine kindness then his counterfeit love would start to look thin and weak. You may even start to think that you didn’t need him anymore. He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. Not because he loves you, but because he loves controlling you. He craves power because he is weak. He needs your worship because he is insecure. He treats you like nothing because his own insignificance terrifies him.
That is what abusers do. They manipulate you for their own sadistic satisfaction, and they cut you off from anyone who might make the scales fall from your eyes. Even if he never laid a finger on you, your relationship with him would still be abusive. But you and I both know that’s not the case. You didn’t have to tell me. I could see it written all over you in bruises and tears and the fear permanently drawn over your face. The fear for you and your children. I know you said he never hit them, but abuse always escalates. It’s only a matter of time before his rage and his hostile demands for respect extend to them too. They aren’t safe with him, and neither are you.
I hope I’m way off base here. I hope you changed your name and number and deleted your Facebook to get away from him. I hope I haven’t heard from you because you said you were done with him and you meant it. I’d like to imagine you living safely halfway across the country with your beautiful babies, starting over in new life. And every time I check the local news and I don’t see your face I breathe a sigh of relief and imagine you enjoying your freedom someplace over the rainbow and far far away. But there is always the nagging voice in the back of my head wondering if you are somewhere out there under his thumb, cut off from the people who care about it. If you are you don’t have to be. There is help. Please don’t spend one more minute living in pain and fear. You are beautiful and brave and stronger than you know. You don’t deserve to be abused. No one does.
Drop me a line sometime. I’d love to hear from you.
Love,
A Hopeful Friend
At Providence Moms Blog, we are proud to partner with Sojourner House. If you or someone you know are experiencing abuse, there is help. If you are in the Rhode Island area call Sojourner House (401-658-4334).They can answer your questions, help you create a safety plan, and provide you with additional resources. If you’re outside the RI area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−7233) and they will be able to help you anywhere in the country. Both numbers are staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in immediate danger always call 911. Don’t let fear or shame keep you in an unsafe situation. No one deserves to be abused.
wow – thank you for sharing this – so so so few people understand abuse is not always bruises and scars – and the fear a mom has of leaving and putting her babies with the abuser without her to protect them is huge and right now the courts do not see that fear – so there are so many many many women who stay – stay in the abuse feeling there is no other way to protect their babies from the evil that they did not see at first. Thank you again for your talent in speaking up for this unspoken abuse and fear.
Thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️
If someone has this fear about a friend, track her down. Family members often know where a woman is even if they’ve been cut off, too. Call and ask, “Hey, how’s —-? I haven’t heard from her for awhile and lost track. Just wanted to make sure all is well. Could I get a phone number for her?”
Wait to call when it’s likely he—if he’s still around—is at work.
Don’t just watch the news; by the time something appears there, it’s too late.
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