Domestic Violence: An interview with RICADV

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A graphic featuring the side profile silhouette of a woman with her hair in a bun. The white silhouette has her head angled down as if looking at the floor and is overlaid with handprints.
Illustration created by Danni Fuentes

Domestic Violence, also known as Intimate Partner Violence, is a serious public health problem in America.

It is estimated that in Rhode Island 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are experiencing some form of domestic violence or abuse. This abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or psychological. It can include any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Domestic violence also takes its toll on the lives of children. In 2020 alone, the RI Supreme Court recorded 5,325 domestic violence incidents that resulted in arrest. In 26% of those incidents, children were present. Sadly, as domestic abuse is largely underreported, we know that this data does not represent the total number of children who experienced domestic violence in their homes that year.

A lady stands next to a white front reception desk with the RI Coalition Against Domestic Violence logo on it in blue. A vase of flowers stands on top of the desk.
Lucy Rios, Executive Director at the RI Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Lucy Rios has worked with survivors of domestic violence for the past two decades and is committed to catalyzing change to build a world without violence through community building
and prevention. “We want our communities to be aware of these high rates because it is likely someone in your own social circle is experiencing abuse,” says Rios, who currently serves as Executive Director at Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence (RICADV). RICADV’s mission is to support the work of its ten member agencies which provide direct services to victims, survivors, and their families, and to provide statewide advocacy, education, and training. In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we spoke with Rios to help educate ourselves and our readers on this important issue, -including when, where, and how to seek help from domestic abuse, whether it be you experiencing it or a friend.

Providence Mom: October is  Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Why does everyone need to be aware of this issue?

Lucy Rios: Domestic violence is a public health issue that affects everyone. Recently, I attended the vigil of a woman who was killed in a domestic violence homicide in Charlestown, R.I. Her life was stolen – and the aftermath of this loss impacts not only her loved ones left behind but our entire community. More than 80 people were mourning her loss at her vigil. Especially because Rhode Island is a small state, we need to be aware of how violence affects us at every level, from our family and our neighbors to our schools and places of work. As parents, even if there is no violence in our own homes, it is likely our children are in a classroom with children who have witnessed abuse…this abuse can impact the whole class if the child starts acting out in school with aggressive or bullying behavior. 

Domestic Violence Awareness Month highlights how important it is for everyone in the community to know the signs of domestic abuse, especially when it comes to the many overlooked or lesser-known forms of abuse. Many people associate domestic violence with physical or sexual abuse, but it can also be financial, emotional, verbal, and psychological. For example, 99% of women who experience abuse, experience financial abuse. That can include a partner not giving access to bank accounts or requiring permission first before purchases. Financial abuse is a barrier to women being able to leave an abusive relationship because they could face homelessness or loss of custody over their children if they do not have an income.

In your experience, what factors contribute towards someone finding themselves in a domestic violence situation?

Domestic violence happens in every community in R.I. and can happen to anyone, regardless of race, age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or socioeconomic status. Advocates say this often and yet there’s this perception out there that, “domestic violence doesn’t happen in my neighborhood.” Sadly, it does.

It’s important to understand that people don’t find themselves in this situation, rather someone is choosing to abuse them – and that person is solely responsible for being controlling and abusive. The victim is not responsible for abuse happening to them, and it is never their fault.

Being a young person is also a risk factor for domestic abuse, It’s important for parents to make sure their children are aware of the warning signs and know how to get help if they are experiencing abuse. Teens are dating at younger ages and parents are not always aware of their relationships at school, which makes it even more crucial that parents talk to their teens early.

What warning signs might someone notice if they themselves, or a friend or family member, are at risk? What would be a tipping point to know that outside help is needed?

It is so important for us all to know the signs of domestic violence. One of the warning signs people should look for is isolation. Isolation may happen slowly over a period of time. It can look like a loved one no longer being around as much, or not as reachable by phone as they used to be. It can mean their partner is not allowing them to go places with friends or family or spend time talking with them. 

Another warning sign is controlling or jealous behavior, such as when someone makes their partner feel like they need to check in or answer the phone right away when they call. At workplaces, you can look for things like a partner always showing up unexpectedly,
making a scene, or stalking them. Stalking is also an actual form of abuse. You may notice they have no privacy or space to talk to anyone outside the relationship. This is controlling, not loving. Put-downs and making jokes at a partner’s expense are more warning signs.

Other signs might include a person leaving a job they loved to appease their partner, being worried about spending money for fear of what their partner will think or do, or being afraid to go out or to return home. If the person you are concerned about has sudden life changes and exhibits fear or avoidance of things that they used to do, this could mean they need resources. For younger people, look for changes in demeanor: Do they seem anxious? Are their grades slipping? Are they withdrawing from friends, social events, or activities that they would normally be interested in?  

What kind of support is available in RI for someone experiencing domestic abuse?

The Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence (RICADV) member agencies offer a wide array of services for victims in Rhode Island, including emergency shelters, support groups, counseling services, and legal assistance. If you are experiencing domestic abuse you are not alone! You can speak directly to an advocate and find out more information about these services, by calling the 24/7 statewide Helpline at 800-494-8100 or using our online chat to speak confidentially with an advocate and make a safety plan.

Many of us might be reluctant to get involved in someone else’s domestic life, particularly because we might be afraid of doing something that could make things worse for them. What are the best ways to help if we suspect someone we know is not safe in their home?

Don’t be afraid to ask if they need help, and believe them if they disclose anything. It can be uncomfortable to bring up the topic of abuse, but doing so can lead to a world of change for someone experiencing abuse. 

Don’t wait until you see a physical sign of abuse. If you observe any warning signs that concern you, express that concern. Ask if they are OK and if they feel safe in their relationship. Share that you noticed something is different and let them know you support them and will be there for them if needed.

Remind them the abuse is not their fault. Maybe they didn’t realize they were in a dangerous situation. People who are experiencing domestic violence may not notice the red flags due to the manipulation involved. Encourage them to contact a RICADV advocate via online chat or by calling 800-494-8100. Advocates are available 24/7 to anyone, even if they are unsure whether they are experiencing abuse, or unsure what steps to take. And if you are helping someone in this situation we want to help you find your role, – contact us!

Creating a safety plan can also be helpful – for tips and steps to consider visit our homepage and scroll down. If you are assisting someone with this, be supportive, and understand each survivor knows their needs and situation best.

What barriers might there be for someone experiencing domestic violence to be able to access help and support?

There are many barriers to ending abusive relationships; Figuring out how to protect and leave with children, financial roadblocks, love for the abuser and hope they will change, or fear of harm to yourself or loved ones. Understanding these hurdles can help victims stay safe and can help those who care for them build better support systems. A person may try multiple times to end an abusive relationship, so it is important to remain patient, supportive, and non-judgmental. Check-in consistently. Help the person stay safe. Assure them that they can count on you. Don’t cut off support, and don’t give up.

Because of the housing shortage, another significant barrier right now is shelter. There is simply not enough safe, affordable housing available in RI for victims to get to safety. RICADV is currently working with the State to increase the number of affordable housing units available for survivors. Fortunately, there are many other resources and services available through our member agencies.

Many people in domestic violence situations have children to care for and consider. How does this make it harder to get help? What support is available in these cases?

Fear of losing custody of your children or being unable to protect them is a significant barrier, particularly for women. For many survivors who have children with abusers, the abuse doesn’t stop just because they have ended the relationship. Violence may continue long after the relationship has ended during child visitation exchanges, medical or school appointments, etc… This is one of the main reasons survivors need support throughout the process of ending the relationship and beyond. There are trained advocates that serve people in every town and city in R.I. that can help victims navigate how to support and protect their children.

How can we contribute to preventing cases of domestic violence in our community?

Together, we can work to change the culture that allows abuse. We can learn more about how to support survivors and believe them. We can start conversations in our communities, and work to ensure all people have their basic needs met and access to open green spaces. When these protective factors are in place, the likelihood of domestic abuse lessens. Communities in which people are well connected to one another experience less domestic violence. So get to know your neighbors and expand your social circle to include them. Other preventative measures include educating our youth on awareness and prevention. If you hear language that is demeaning or degrading to women or perpetuates stereotypes about women and victims, speak up. Educate yourself about the issue. Prevention is much more than not using violence.

Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers?

Domestic violence is a community issue and needs a community response. We individually and collectively have a role in ending domestic abuse. We can support policies that support racial equality and gender justice, listen to communities that are most impacted, and uplift the work of others. Whether you are a parent, educator, or neighbor, we are all interacting with people experiencing domestic violence who need us to support them to live a life that is free of violence and to thrive. 

 

Thank you once again to Lucy Rios and the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence. If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence or abuse please get help by calling the confidential 24/7 statewide Helpline: 800-494-8100, or visit www.ricadv.org to speak to someone via chat.