From Home Birth to NICU; A story of autonomy and empowerment

When my partner and I decided to try for our second in 2020, I knew without a doubt I would have a home birth.

I knew deeply this was the right choice for me, but I didn’t have the confidence or community support to do so with the birth of my first son in 2018. After my first son’s birth, I dived deep into all things physiological and empowered birth and started preparing for the future home birth I knew I would have. I surrounded myself with people who were supportive. I listened to home birth stories and did inner work challenging the conditioning and fears I had related to birth. I learned to lean into trust, my own intuition, and most importantly, surrender. By the time I was pregnant, I had complete trust in the birth process and all the variations of normal that came with it. I felt an empowered sense of authority over my body and my choices. I truly did not fear birth this time around. In fact, I was actually looking forward to it! I felt prepared for a long birth, a short birth, for whatever my body needed to do, I felt ready. 

Well, it turned out, that something did happen that I was not prepared for.

After giving birth in my home, surrounded by the support of my partner and midwife, I held my baby in my hands and inspected him. I noticed a lump and deep dimple on his lower back. Once we got comfortable, my midwives started to process with me what we needed to do next, which I knew meant going to the hospital. For me, so much of preparing for my home birth meant learning to surrender to the unknown. I read a quote once that said “The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty; It’s trust,” and I was now putting it to the test, as I faced something I truly did not see coming. 

Several hours later, it was time to head to the hospital. We were admitted to the NICU so my new baby could undergo an MRI to diagnose this lump. As we entered the hospital, I felt like I carried the same energy I carried into my homebirth; I was the authority. As someone who used to be a people-pleaser, and often felt intimidated to speak up to what I would perceive as authority figures, this was huge for me. When it came to the reasons we were there, I listened and valued the expertise of the medical staff that would help diagnose the abnormality. When it came to everything else, I was able to speak up and set boundaries. I was able to tell the medical team firmly to stop telling me that “going home to take a break” is the equivalent of “taking care of myself.” It was ridiculous and disconnected advice to give a mother who had just given birth. What I needed to “take care of myself” was to stay with my newborn, rest, and be skin to skin. I was able to voice this and wasn’t asked to leave my baby again after that.

So what did I learn from all of this??

My son was born with a condition called Lipomeningomyelocele, which is a closed Neural Tube Defect and a form of Spina Bifida. This also caused a tethered spinal cord which can lead to nerve damage and mobility issues later on. Fortunately, there was a surgery he could have at six months old to release the tethered spinal cord, however, he will have the Neural Tube Defect for the rest of his life.

Although I spent the first night after giving birth in a hospital reclining chair, my baby stayed safely on my chest, and breastfeeding as needed. I have to recognize the immense privilege we had that my boundaries were respected and that we were discharged a day later. I’ve connected with others who have been admitted for weeks or told they weren’t “allowed” to spend the night with their baby. 

Some people told me that I ‘should have just had my baby in the hospital. Instead, I often think about how thankful I am to have birthed my baby at home. My space and time were respected post-birth. My baby and I were able to take our time, go at our own pace and have the peace and comfort of our home during those first precious hours. I would have changed nothing about his birth and the location.  

I thank my home birth preparation for having the tools to get through something I was not anticipating, to advocate for myself and my baby, set boundaries, and continue to feel empowered throughout this experience.