If you give your kid a chore, you’ll feel proud of yourself for teaching him a new life skill.
If you start feeling proud you’ll want to announce it on Facebook.
If you announce it on Facebook, you’ll become obsessed with how many likes and comments you get from friends patting you on the back with “WTG Mama!”
If you get the “WTG Mama” comment, you’re going to want to treat yourself, so you’ll sit down a binge watch a couple of episodes of your new Netflix show
If you sit down, your kid will know that you aren’t going to check on him for a while.
If he knows that, he’ll say “I’ll just play video games a little bit longer.”
If he plays video games a little bit longer, he’ll get quiet.
If he gets quiet, you’ll start to get suspicious, but won’t want to get off the couch because you only have 2 episodes left in the season.
If you watch the rest of the season, it’ll be dark when you check on your kid’s progress.
When you check on his progress, you’ll realize that your kid didn’t do any of the assigned chore.
And when you realize this, you’ll lecture him about responsibility and maturity.
When you lecture him, his eyes will glaze over (and maybe roll).
When his eyes glaze over, you’ll get angry and storm out of the room.
When you storm out of the room, you’ll mutter to yourself about how you have to do everything and you’re just a maid around here and ask yourself why you bothered to go to Yale and law school.
And if you question your higher educational choices, chances are you’re going to want to eat something with frosting.
And if you eat something with frosting, your husband is going to know that someone is in trouble and worry it’s him.
And if he worries that it’s him, he’ll ask you timidly “Everything okay, baby?”
And if he asks you that, you’ll tell him what happened.
When he hears what happened, he’ll visibly relax because he’s not the one in trouble.
When he visibly relaxes, you’ll realize he expects you to finish the chore or be in charge of making the kid do it.
When you realize that, you’ll get angry at your husband and you two will fight.
When you fight, your husband will lose all of the argument.
When he loses every single argument (because you did go to law school!), he’ll try to make amends.
While he tries to make amends, you’ll realize you can make him do the chore.
When you get him to agree to do the chore, you’ll smile and sit down to start binge-watching the next season of your show.
And after he does the chore, he’ll post all about it on Facebook.
And you won’t care that he gets all that credit because you’re eating ice cream while it took everyone else in the house an entire evening to get one chore done.
Should you wish to follow this recipe you’ll need the following ingredients: Facebook, couch, kid, husband, ice cream, and just a dash of rage. Prep Time: 10 mins. “Cooking” Time: 2 hrs-2 days (varies). Happy binge-watching!
