The Day My Daughter Asked About The N-Word

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n-word kindness racism Providence Moms Blog

“Mom, what’s the n-word?”

A sweet voice brimming with curiosity seemed to pop out of nowhere from the backseat of my car. The question, asked after a lull in our conversation on our way to Saturday morning dance class, almost caused me to swerve into the breakdown lane.

“I’m sorry — what did you just ask?”

And so, my six-year-old asked her question again, and I realized that 1. I heard her correctly the first time, and 2. it was time for me to put on my history teacher hat and answer honestly, respectfully, and age-appropriately. But first, I needed context. Where had she heard this word that she knew not to repeat?

I should not have been surprised by the answer, but it still made me cringe. She heard it at school. Directed at one of her friends of color. A third grader, playing on the playground, taunted by another peer who gave life to this word in an intentional effort to hurt her classmate’s feelings. A word so fraught with power, oppression, discrimination, and hatred, tossed out in 2018, at a small, private school. The friend, turning to my daughter for help. My daughter, understanding it had been cruel, but no idea how or why.

group of children playing Providence Moms BlogIt was a moment where so many thoughts collided. Recognizing my daughter’s privilege that her white skin meant she could escape such targeted oppression. Of knowing that in the past six years of discussing the importance of being an upstander, she had already reached her first point that would test her ability to defend others from hate without fully understanding the circumstances. Wondering if the bully could even be aware of the pain that she had unleashed on a classmate. Grasping at the right words to explain the cruelty of slavery and Jim Crow that embodies this word. And knowing that I had an obligation and responsibility to peel back a layer of her privilege and explain why we don’t tolerate such language in our household and why we have to stand up for those who are targets of racial discrimination.

So we talked.

We discussed her own identity. How would my bright, funny, talented daughter feel if people accused her of being lazy, dumb, or stupid simply because she had brown hair? And that was how the entire world viewed her, all the time, because of how she was born? “I wouldn’t like that very much,” she agreed.

We talked about slavery. I reminded her that she is growing up in a country founded on a system of racial-based slavery that was completely legal. We talked about how once the Civil War ended and emancipation was the law of the land, whites tried to find other ways to make sure blacks would not be treated as equals.

We talked about power. We talked that the n-word was one of the ways that whites asserted their power over blacks, and how cruel that construction of power was, with unthinkable treatment. And, it wasn’t just a thing of the past. As she witnessed at school, it still happens today.

We talked about humanity. That whether we have blonde hair, green eyes, or dark skin, we are all people who are smart, caring, and deserving of kindness. 

We talked about standing up for our friends who are targets for discrimination. And that standing up for others isn’t always easy to do, but that we had an extra responsibility to do so. And of course, for her to tell a trusted adult if she needed help.

The conversation then turned, and I put back on the radio so we could sing together for the remainder of our car ride. (How is it that every big conversation seems to happen in the car?) And in our brief conversation, I was humbly reminded that:

  • as a parent, it is my responsibility to teach her right from wrong, no matter how uncomfortable those moments might feel;
  • I need to give her the tools and knowledge to understand difficult moments, including racial discrimination;
  • we have to lean into discomfort to make a positive change;
  • children are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for;
  • while my daughter is not responsible for racism, she has inherited a society that still has deeply racist roots;
  • racism is learned behavior, and it’s my job to be open about it;
  • dismantling white privilege happens when we talk about the systems of power and oppression that she benefits from… and that conversation is a good thing, no matter how hard it feels in the moment.

The car has a sneaky way of fostering some of the most meaningful conversations we can have with our children. Don’t shy away from it. The humanity of all our children depends on it.

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Lindsey Galvao
Born and raised in Providence, Lindsey graduated from La Salle Academy, moved to the Midwest for college, and moved back home to attend graduate school at Brown University. She met her husband, Ricardo, junior year of high school in English class, but refused to date him because her mother thought he was such a “nice boy.” Strangely, mothers are always right, and Lindsey and Ricardo started dating after they graduated college. Fast forward 10 years, two cats, and two precocious daughters later, Lindsey is a former history teacher turned freelancer who dabbles in curriculum development and is determined to make her corner of the universe a better place. Helping others is her greatest source of inspiration, and being involved in her community keeps her both exhausted and optimistic. When she’s not reading to or having dance parties with her children, Lindsey can be found drinking copious amount of black coffee, singing as a soprano section leader in her local church choir, perusing the farmers market, working out at CrossFit, spending way too much money on Amazon Prime, or wandering in the library or bookstore. She loves nothing more than a good book, the chance to support local businesses, and spending time with her awesome family.