The Importance of Making Space

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Photo Credit: Adriana Owens Photography

By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I have taught 4 children, cooked 12 meals, mediated countless disagreements, tended to (hopefully minor) cuts and bruises, read books, and corrected behavior -both theirs and mine.

We have laughed and danced and cried and yelled and gone through the entire spectrum of emotion with each other in the preceding 12 hours.

Exhausted doesn’t begin to describe it.  When 8 a clock rolls around, I crawl into bed with my book as they crawl into theirs. 

After one particularly trying day filled with arguments between me and my oldest, uneasiness took hold of me. As I sat in bed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Despite things running like clockwork, something was missing.

Was it possible that I just going through the motions of motherhood? Even though I am with my children all day, was it possible I wasn’t cultivating a relationship with them? I was managing them and overseeing things so they don’t get hurt, but did I really know them? Was I a part of their inner lives? Were they comfortable sharing things with me, without feeling like I would just try to fix whatever ailment was presented? Did they see me as not just their mom, but their teammate? 

Was I making space for our relationship to grow?

The more I thought about it, the clearer the truth became. No. I hadn’t been seeking out quality time with each of my children individually. I hadn’t been giving them space to share their inner worlds with me. In an attempt to recharge for the next day,  I was checking out as soon as I humanly could. 

I know, I am only human and can’t expect to be able to do it all. There are things in our life that will have to be less than perfect, and even things that will be completely ignored. But this issue, I couldn’t ignore. My oldest is 9, and his friendships, with girls, in particular, have begun to get a little… complicated. My 8-year-old naturally turns inward and can easily feel alone in a house full of people. My 6-year-old was brimming with stories and longs for a captive audience, and my only daughter could definitely benefit from some quality time with her Mom. That settled it. I had to put something in place, to create a little more space.

My solution came to me pretty easily. My husband works overnights, so I assigned each child a night to hang out with me. We don’t do anything fancy, just talk and watch a show or movie of their choice. We eat their favorite snack and laugh together. Sometimes we draw or color or read books or talk about Minecraft.

No judgment, no advice unless asked, just listening and joining them where they are.

It’s been about 4 months since I started doing this and the kids enjoy it immensely. I do, too. I have learned a LOT about my children and their friendships, thoughts, and struggles. For that, I am so thankful. 

I’d like to encourage you, even if you think you can’t squeeze in one more thing in the day, make space for this. Even if it’s just 15 minutes. Having that space already in your routine helps if your kids want or need to approach you for something, ask you for advice, or just talk your ear off about their favorite video game. When I started it, I thought it would just be one more thing that sucked my energy but honestly, it has made motherhood a lot more enjoyable. Making space for our relationship has reminded me to look at the big picture of parenting. Raising these amazing people, and having a relationship with them. Pretty special stuff.