You just raised your voice WAY more than you know you should have, but you are angry, maybe even livid and his face is frozen in fear. He did something that he KNOWS he shouldn’t have done. Something you have told him a million times not to do because it is dangerous. And here you are. He did it right in front of your face, and it seemed purposeful. It seemed spiteful, and you snapped. You yelled. Loud.
As your voice rises, everything stops.
Your anger carries you away and before you know it you are going on and on just like your mother did when you were a kid-
Wait a second, does that mean he isn’t listening? The way I didn’t listen to my mom? You yell louder just to make sure he is listening because this is really freaking important. And then you think of the neighbors. Can they hear? Of course they can, you can practically touch their house from your kitchen window. Are they going to call someone over the commotion you just made? This place is a disaster, should I clean up just in case they called the police over the yelling?
And those eyes.
Now that you have finished your tirade, they are looking at you, unblinking. Scared.
“What are you doing, Mama,” those eyes say, “this isn’t how you normally act. Where is my Mama? Bring her back!” Seeing that look on his face snaps you out of your momentary lapse of judgment and you realize something really awful.
My child sees the worst of me.
I am ruining him.
My child sees the worst of me and it will ruin him. I will ruin him.
If you are letting this statement rule the reality of your parenting, of your life- then I am here to tell you– Stop.
It is untrue. You are not ruining your child because you yelled at him. You do not get to give up, throw your hands up and wave the white flag of surrender because you were human and yelled. Is it ok that you did that? No. But it is also a habit that is learned and needs time and attention to correct. You can’t decide one day to stop yelling or stop letting anger get the best of you and be successful 100% of the time. You are going to fail, and it is ok to fail. In fact, I would argue that it is GOOD for your kids to see you fail. It is good too for them to see you as a flawed human being.
So, when you find yourself in this situation what should you do?
Go to your child and apologize. Honestly. It doesn’t matter if he/she is 2 or 4 or 12 or 23. Tell your child you are sorry. That you were angry/scared/frustrated and you yelled. You may have even said things that you didn’t mean, and that was not acceptable. You should not have yelled. Instead, you should have taken time to calm down and use your words without anger. Just like you’ve taught.
After this explanation, ask your child for forgiveness. Humble yourself in front of your child. You wronged your child and you need to ask him/her for forgiveness. Also, let them know that they do not have to answer you right away. That you understand that your yelling scared them and that they may need to think about it for a bit before talking through it and that’s ok.
You are human. Fear, sadness, frustration, and anger may overcome your emotions and run away with your brain before you even realize you’re yelling. You, too, are a work in progress. And while ideally, your child would learn from someone who has already arrived at a place of complete control, he/she has a flawed parent.
THAT IS OK.
THAT IS NORMAL.
If you are reading this blog, chances are you care about being a good mom. Chances are, you not only care about being a good mom but you ARE a good mom.
I do not say this in order to give a free pass to behave in a dangerous manner. Abusive or dangerous behavior is a serious sign to seek professional help immediately.
BUT if you are beating yourself up because a neighbor came to your house telling you that your child opened the screen to the upstairs window to your house during a thunderstorm–or a similar situation and you “freaked out?”
IT’S OK.
YOU’RE OK.
Your child will be OK.
You are not ruining your child.
