Intimacy After Kids Part Three: Physical Intimacy

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Alright everyone…Welcome to Part Three:Physical Intimacy! The one post you have been desiring to read after hearing about our series on intimacy after kids! Click on the titles to read the first in the series: Intimacy with Self and the second in the series: Emotional Intimacy.

This entire series started after a conversation between some girlfriends and I. One of my friends had recently had a baby and was relearning how to be physically intimate with her husband. We were complaining that after having a child, the focus is all on the baby. Is the baby eating enough? When will the baby sleep? What does this rash mean? Rarely, except for your six week appointment is it ever about the mom and her needs. And then, you have this person you call a partner, who still needs their needs meet. How do you balance it all? AND…if you have more than one child…good freaking luck!

So, how do you get from pushing a baby out of your vagina to feeling physically intimate with your partner? Here are some of my tips collected from my own personal journey and other mom friends too!

Physical Intimacy – Let’s talk about SEX!

Now, please be aware, if you just had a child, please consult your doctor before engaging in intercourse. Most physicians recommend waiting six weeks for vaginal intercourse, so it is important to get clearance before getting frisky in the sheets!
Once you have gotten the clear, here is a girlfriend’s guide to sex after childbirth
  1. Know your partner’s pleasure spots! When my husband and I first became intimate, we drew out stick figures and numbered our spots on the body where we would like to be pleasured during foreplay. For example, I want to be kissed first, so the lips would have a number 1, then I want to be kissed on my neck, so then my neck would be number 2. Your pleasure spots change after having kids, if you are still breastfeeding, your nipples are highly sensitive, so you might want to specifically call out that spot. Additionally list spots for your partner that would kill the vibe.
  2. If you have yet to be told, vaginal sex will initially hurt after childbirth. Tell your partner, they need to be patient and work slowly. Have your partner, first go inside of you, then pause. This will allow your vagina to relax. Take it slow at first, and then as you try more, increase the speed.
  3. If you are breastfeeding, you will be very dry, which will cause uncomfortable friction. Use lubricant, by placing a dime size amount on the penis. Using your hands, coat your partner’s penis. After giving your partner a mini hand job (because why not) have them go inside of you.
  4. Orgasms after childbirth for me were sparse! I will be honest, I had sex for the sake of my partner. There were times I would wipe away tears because it felt so uncomfortable, so one-sided, so NOT pleasurable! Sex should NEVER feel like this! If you don’t orgasm every time you and your partner are intimate, then your sex needs to change. Recently I was introduced to vibrators and I wish I had one sooner. When I first heard the term vibrator I honestly thought it was for single ladies or couples that were freaky in the sheets. It wasn’t until a good friend asked if I had one that I realized maybe I should try it out. If you don’t get anything else from this post, please know you NEED a vibrator in your life. There will be times within your relationship when you might struggle to orgasm during sex. The vibrator will give you the option to orgasm or tease yourself enough to then orgasm during sex. Take the plunge, click the “buy now” button- you will not regret your purchase. If you are also super anxious about your delivery driver knowing, the packaging is non descriptive. Instead of just offering you one choice, I wanted to introduce you to three different sizes. I call them: small, medium, and large. THIS small vibrator can be used to stimulate your clitoris while in missionary position. THIS medium vibrator is perfect for personal use and can be carried discreetly in your purse when going on an overnight getaway. THIS large vibrator is my personal favorite. It carries an intense level of vibration that creates some of the most intense orgasms I have every had.
  5. Declutter your bedroom. Remove all the laundry that needs to be folded, picture books lying on the floor, and the piles of dishes collecting on the dresser. If you need baby items in your room, try and find a place where you can tuck them away. Once everything has been removed, now it is time to create an intimate space. A few tips, in the winter, warm up your bed before getting into it. A warm bed, will allow you to wear less clothing…hint. I love using this dual electric blanket, so my husband can have his side at high while I have mine on low. Candle light also creates a soft ambiance and you will still be able to see the buttons on your vibrator!
  6. Put a lock on your bedroom and bathroom door. There is no sense of privacy like the feeling of locking your toddler out of your personal space. After recently getting locks, there is a huge sense of peace knowing I can take a shower without my toddler opening the door. If you haven’t transitioned your child into a toddler bed, trust me…locks are a must!!!!
  7. Schedule sex. Every Wednesday at 9 PM my husband and I have a standing sex date. No matter what we are doing, we stop watching TV or we usher our visitors out and run up to the bedroom. When we can anticipate what will happen, we are able to tease each other throughout the day.
  8. This one might be a little controversial…move the baby into their own room at 3 months. I promise you, you will sleep better and so will the baby. If you want to make sure you can hear every hiccup, we used this baby monitor and loved it. My husband always felt super awkward about having sex with our child in the room. So in order to have any sex life, this was a must for us.
  9. If you need to be told, have couch sex! I have had some of the most intense orgasms while having couch sex. It is super awkward but so exhilarating all at the same time. Try new spaces- the thrill of trying a new space amplifies the interaction.
  10. Experiment with teasing your spouse. I remember the days, where I would lay next to my husband and get very aroused! Now, I typically say, “you’re going to have to get me horny if you want to have sex.” For both parties to have an orgasm, both need to be aroused. We love giving each other a massage and using this massage oil that is lavender scented. Starting your foreplay in the shower is also another strategy. By using a lubricant approved for the shower, you and your partner will be able to tease each other just enough in ways that feel more natural in the shower verses the bed.

Stay tuned for our BONUS post: Intimacy when TTC, coming next week. As always, thank you for reading, thank you for sharing, thank you for commenting. Have fun! 😉

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