The Muffin Top Chronicles Part 1: Start the Process

I was rocking my son in my arms, trying to comfort him from his latest “disaster,” a fall from the couch. His sweaty, tear-stained cheek burrowed into my shoulder, his gangly little arms around my neck… and I saw it, my reflection in the full-length mirror on the opposite side of the room. There were many emotions, but the disgust hit me first.  I was shocked at the size of my body, the size of my stomach, the way my hips took up the entire chair.  I’m sad that disgust was my first reaction because I work so hard NOT to judge my body on its size.  My body has done many amazing things, including growing and nourishing two human beings in the last 3 ½ years. And yet, what do I see?  Failure.  Someone who vowed never to be heavy again. Someone who used to prioritize herself. Someone who didn’t avoid mirrors. It’s not my goal to be depressing here—but to share this journey, I have to share it all… and that includes the not so pleasant emotions — the raw truth.

If you read my post a few months ago, you know that I’ve struggled to make time for myself and haven’t been very successful at prioritizing my health as of late.  But I don’t think I can take it anymore.  Once my disgust faded, I saw myself differently. I saw some beauty—not physically—but beauty in the way I comforted my son, and gave him all of myself.  I thought briefly, “If I saw this image of another woman, I’d find it sweet. Not disgusting.”  My deep love and devotion for my children is something I’m proud of—but parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.  I want to be around to see my grandchildren.  I want to be able to keep up with my boys as they grow and get faster and faster.  I want to feel strong again.   And yes—I want to walk by a mirror without cringing.  I want to stop wondering, “Who is this large woman, and why did she eat Laura?”

As someone with a history of disordered eating, the idea of taking on any sort of “get healthy” enterprise is loaded and emotional.  I have fears of plummeting down a road of calorie restriction, and fears of losing ground with all the positive work I’ve done for myself.  When my body was incredibly fit, my mindset was absolutely poisonous to my well-being—but I’m no “healthier” now. I have a healthier mind, and unfortunately, a body that needs some serious TLC.  Even Sir-Mix-A-Lot would probably agree that I could lose a few pounds.

So how do we do it? I’m only on step one, but I decided I would share my journey. And as a parent, I’ve had to re-think my strategies about weight loss. My crash dieting, hours at the gym, and obsessions of the past are not only unhealthy but frankly, they won’t work.  I don’t have time for it. I’m in the planning phases, but this is what I have so far:

Meals

I need meals I can prepare quickly, that my family will also eat. I don’t mind some basic meal prep, but I’m not able to spend a whole day a week doing it. And when I cut out food groups (like all carbs or dairy), I end up binging on them eventually (Whoops, I ate 12 cake pops).  So simplicity is the key. For example, when my family has tacos, I’ll be eating everything but the taco shells, and adding black beans and brown rice for myself.  Easy and cheap.

Movement

I need to move more. The gym, walking, whatever. I need more movement. Even two times a week of intense activity and maybe twice weekly walking would be a starting point.  My husband walks with the boys at least 1-2x a week, and I can definitely enlist his help with this goal.

Hydration

I need to drink more water. I bought a huge jug. I’m going to drown my muffin top in water, and I’m going to wear black when I do it, like I’m going to a funeral for my fat.

Health

I’M GOING TO FOCUS ON HEALTH, not weight.  My weight will go down as I make healthy changes. Many of us have been conditioned to think of “losing weight” as the end game—but it’s more than that. I need to GAIN health, GAIN stamina, GAIN confidence, GAIN self-respect, and GAIN some years on my life.  I’m pretty sure my butt will shrink in the process, but my goal is to love myself every step of the way.

So. September is Laura’s Muffin Top Awareness Month—it’s my first attempt at taking my health back.  I’ve decided to eat foods that make me feel GOOD and limit foods that don’t provide energy and make me feel sluggish. I’m going to commit to moving more—whatever that looks like—while drinking my gallons of water and strutting around in my XL yoga pants.  I might be a work in progress, but aren’t we all?

On the next installment of the Muffin Top Chronicles: Will Laura’s fall wardrobe fit come October? Or will she be forced to comb the racks of Marshalls looking for ponchos to hide her shame?  Stay tuned!