I Can’t Get There, Kindergarten Mamas

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boy swinging on swing Providence Moms Blog
Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash

Quiet cool air tiptoes in between little breaks in heat waves. A tiny dance of crispness tests the end of August. The first day of school will soon buzz in, bringing the movement of planning, shopping, and swirling emotions. Countless blog posts and articles directed at kindergarten mamas have emerged, begging the reader to go down that tearful path. You see, with each milestone, especially these big ones such as the start of kindergarten for our little ones, there is a bit of that old lingering bittersweet taste. We feel immense joy for our growing child, about to embark on a new adventure and experience challenging and expanding worlds. Yet, there is a nagging little sense of sadness, for the ending of something. With each change, there is a bit of loss. “The way it was” seems to have a gravitational pull, beckoning us to stay in sweet recollections, feeling the urgency as fleeting moments slip through our grasp. The loss of the old times, the days before school existed in our little being’s world. No rush to catch the bus, or wondering how hour 6.5 is going for our five-year-old (gosh, that sounds like a long time). This all seems so new, like a new normal to weave into our everyday.

The rising writings aiming to evoke tears over that meaningful day, the first day of kindergarten, are falling flat on me. They never did before. Those articles on the last baby to nurse, the last time [insert milestone here], would always speak to me. Heck, I wrote some of them! There’s a real, valid bit of sadness that I don’t want to discount.

But I just can’t get there.

Not since that day in May, when one of our little ones was diagnosed with cancer. That day marked us with a new spectrum of sadness. I didn’t know the true measure and reach of despair. And, the new truth that fills me with fear is that I know the spectrum could stretch even farther. Our son is a brilliant fighter. We have faith he will beat this, and we will overcome… together.

My brain processes the first day of school milestone and wants to walk the old patterns of the bittersweet. But, our scales of sadness have been forever changed. I can’t emotionally get where I would normally go. I’ve seen a depth of sadness too great, almost too heavy to bear.

Maybe a flood of emotions will pour out on that first day. Maybe it is building like a whispered undercurrent inside. If I get swept in the waters that morning, that’ll be okay. Then I was able to get there. But, not yet, not now during these alive and awake days of summer. I’m too caught up in the here.

You see, we can’t hold on. There is no grasp. We aren’t meant to stay behind. Stay sweetly here, in the moment as we sing “Everything Is Awesome” one more time, and build this big pillow fort, and go on another nature walk. We’ll have so many more. We have breath, and life, and living to do. I want to see you grow, in a healthy body, living a healthy life. I pray this for all three of my boys.

We are meant to fly. Each of us, both our children and ourselves, are meant to stretch and fly. We have health, we have joy, and we have a meaningful life to explore.

Bittersweet taste, you aren’t on my tongue today. Maybe tomorrow, you’ll slip on by. Old familiar tears may fall. But today, oh, wonderful and lasting today, I only have space for the sweet.


Kate Wolfe headshot Providence Moms BlogA Rhody through and through, Kate Wolfe was born and raised in Cranston, completed undergraduate and graduate school at the University of Rhode Island, and settled in beautiful South County with her family of five. At 17, she met her husband at URI, told her parents she wouldn’t marry him, and six years later alive with young love, tied the knot. A little apartment, two houses, a chocolate lab, lots of traveling, a private practice, and three little boys later, she enjoys teaching courses online and focusing on slowed down days with her family. A parent of a little boy battling cancer has proven to be both immensely challenging and crushing, and yet has strengthened and deepened bonds in marriage and faith. Finding little pockets of time to shine light in even the darkest of places brings joy and calm, as Kate strives to serve in the community, fundraise, and create blessings focused on uplifting women. 

2 COMMENTS

  1. Beautiful, Kate. Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life. I think you are doing a wonderful job of living in the moment. God bless you. You are in my prayers.

  2. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, Mama. Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for. My then almost three year old daughter was diagnosed with ALL almost three years ago. She’s been in remission nearly as long and off treatment for 10 months. It’s a hard road and I know how intimidating it looks in the beginning. She starts K in two weeks and I’m prepared for waterworks bc I know what a mountain we’ve climbed to get here. You’ll be in the same shoes before you know it. Sending strength, love and patience. (And we have a mutual friend if you’d ever like to chat)

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